c'est la vie

This is perhaps the first Saturday after the new year when I don't have to OT.  However I am feeling much vain.  I am overwhelimgly focused on work whereas feeling myself behind to others in some way.  No matter how hard I try, time files, and what is left to me.  I am chasing something obscure, and don't know whether I can realize it in the end.  I am talking to myself everyday what I am going to do within the next 2 oe 3 years but I am just not sure about it.  Is it worth? I need to learn pretty much at the same time, but physically I can only afford to sleep during weekends.  OMG, dear God, what a mess and what I should give up to retain that truly matters?  I am burning life whereas doubt it.  Cannot help to crying.  I am again lost in a city, alone, with worries and worries, and worries.

我一直到昨天下午5点钟都还是颇有成就感的。一来找到一份可以让自己拼命的工作，二来轻松搞到回家的车票可以享受姥姥家的美味。一直到被通知初四开始con call要做合同初七出初稿为止我就觉得天昏地暗了。于是我干脆不干回家了。

好吧我是很喜欢紧张刺激的工作，可是这也过头了。

于是我上了火车开始给朋友们群发短信，真的是很想念啊。结果今早开始收到大家的回复，不少于10人正式通知我将于今年完婚。我才突然意识到在我拼命的时候大家已经用真诚感动了上帝将各自的终身大事全部搞定了。包括几位我认为压根搞不定的同胞。

于是我觉得很挫败。我突然意识到我曾经的论调是有问题的。我认为爱情这东西是不需要追逐的，坐等就OK了。也就是说郁闷和追求都只能杀死自己的脑细胞而已，于是我将全部的热忱和活力投入到无限的为客户服务中去，自以为获得了无比的满足。但是一霎那蓦然回首，发现那几个一直傻乎乎追求的姐妹们均已有了很好的归宿。也就是说，原来上帝是可以被感动的。

今早已经被姥姥轰炸了一番，预计明天又要被淹死在唾沫星子里了。我恍惚明白了之前pp形容地她mm总是用无比迫切和略微愤怒的语调问春节能不能带个男孩儿回家的情景。在埋头苦干研究各种合同的时候我很难想到这种事情，好像一年里只有这几天我才能集中精神想一想自己确实好像掉队了。

我本来想好了赚够了钱再出去晃晃的。既然出去，也就无所谓。但是何时是赚够了钱的那一天？希望不会太远。

还是办公室好啊。至少不会胡思乱想。

嗯，最后写给即将迎接新年的自己：新的一年祈祷平安健康，事业进步，看到一个更加专业、坚定的自己。

加油加油哦，我和我的朋友们！

祝天下所有的好心人身体健康，万事如意哈。

Have not written a word for ages.  Super busy, catch up with faraway friends, sleep and movie.  Work almost killed me.  Luckily I am still living.

Finally got the chance to attend S concert, so much amazing and first time I realized that classical guitar so touching.  Good friend won back her love finally.  So much super good news.  

Bad news, some one I am very connected with is leaving to some place far, though she will be happy. 

Everything was terminated by this Thursday, and I am bracing new life from tomorrow.  

Today had a light supper, actually only a soup with some younger colleagues, who were classmates from Peking u.  

We talked a little about the disappointing work.  This made me feel very dark.  

None of us is in anyway inferior than the others, however how about the chances??  I fortunately met with a so much kind senior but what else?  I am eager of more and more professional skills, and much more which I cannot figure out exactly at this moment.  

Maybe because they were classmates and they are friends now, which makes me dearly miss my friends.  But how are my friends actually?  Who are the friends I could really revert to about my sorrow?

Wait for the last thing, the cover email.  However this one is a little bit too long, a note actually.  I have done my part but anyway have to wait for the partner to finally review......Hurry upppppppppppppppp.

Say something.....Nothing cheersme up recently.  Worked overnight again last Thursday.  Very headache.  

When can I just make enough money and go back to colleges again?  I am not a business woman but why it just seems like I am paying life for work?  College, book, knowledge, love, peace, faith.....

What else should I type to further kill time????  The question annoys me.  Who can tell me how to kill the waiting time in deep night when others are reviewing your work? 

 

Finished an assignment, and waited the partners to revise,,,,,,nothing want to do in this deep and a little bit cool night, just open my blog page which I have not read for ages and type some characters to kill the shit waiting time.  

Mom is waiting for me at home.  What else? 

The partner is approaching me.....

上上周末，K前辈，W小朋友，娘亲，我，再次拜访圆明园，听说圆明园的荷塘月色还不错。

娘亲是第二次去，第一次是26年前。中间相隔了我的年纪。

我是第二次去，第一次是10年前。那是高考前一年，那年我以为我可以闭着眼睛考进北大。

K学姐是第二次去，第一次是20年前。那时复旦不上课。学生都在到处窜。只有上海到北京的火车票不要钱。

圆明园从来就不是美丽的地方。但是近来里面有意无意盛开的大片的荷花，野趣无穷的略有颓意的荷塘，真的很惊艳。绿。翠。

走进塘中亭的时候突遇阵雨，大家聚亭中躲雨，看雨打萍，想身世。我和K，相差15年，交谈很多母校老师从青年才俊意气风发到秃顶的故事。我们都是圆脸，短头发，戴眼镜，白白的，看照片突然发现有点点相似，除了我的尺码要大几号。

K学姐的Baby极其可爱，我第一次抱小朋友，发现他像小动物一样在我怀里动来动去的感觉真的很好玩儿。我讨厌猫讨厌狗讨厌小朋友，但是我真的很喜欢他。眼睛大大，一直笑，漂亮极喽。我请他坐船，据说是其生平处女坐。嘎嘎乐。

雨后的空气分外清新，一如回首过去的是非曲折，何足烦恼。随它去。

最近通过自己的努力工作的思路相对清晰，也算是对之前痛苦经历的一个小结。

上周和小M，K再次挑战红螺寺登山，发现我果然是体力最挫的一个。小M跑上跑下给我加油，一如小时候跑800米总是不及格大家都跑完了给我加油的样子。答应K好好锻炼，下次一气呵成。烤鱼好吃，但我深感罪过。

最近和K经常讨论读书，发现她喜欢的偶都没读过，郁闷，到底我们这代人在看什么书，她问，我也问我自己，惭愧。

听前辈的，明天再去绿地走走，带本书，长长脑子。

最后一句，昨晚下班没有公车，没有地铁，没有插头，走回家，从长安街到家里，一路到处都是警察哥哥，戴红袖标的大妈，如果天天这样就好了，我天天都走路回家不用害怕了，安全了，才能和谐嘛。走到家12点过了。

I have never be even more disappointed, sad, frustrated, angry, something like that.  But do not know where to start.  I chose the way and considering the market, what else can I choose?  It is not just the tiring job, the overnight work, the contempt and doubt from someone whom you do not know well and do not understand why.  It is just without any trust.  Well, maybe I guess.  

I am just so exhausted.  When I can truly have enough money to pay back the loan, to be back to study again?  The reality makes me truly sad.  Shit and stop it.

我去过了哪里了呢。不记得了。好久没写了，好像几周前去了雍和宫国子监孔庙吧，那天下了不用撑伞的小雨，其实国子监里真的是什么也没有，但是感觉还是超好。雍和宫不太好评点，毕竟藏传教我没研究过，对咱这中土小人儿还是有点文化上的距离，没有调查就没有发言权哪。所以我不说了。

唉，没有调查就没有发言权，这是多年前在伦敦一个前辈和我吵架之后说的话，通篇英语就这几个汉字，还highlight出来。其实挺委屈的，对于那种事情不是每个八零后都像她想的那样无知的，不过我当时的反应确也过分了点。事情本身没有定论，对这个观点我倒是及其喜欢，以后每每在工作中以此要求自己。但是最近因为工作的事情烦恼过了头，能尽力去调查之后再发言的青年律师貌似不太多了。

我又去了哪里。我不记得了。哦，好像又去了天坛，很喜欢。和很多很多很多年前去的那次一样，好热。这的地方的臭氧层真的被破坏得差不多了。 我又去了哪里。我不记得了，我不记得了。

我只记得好像就开始疯狂加班了。拼死拼活地干，别人不肯加，只有我来加。当我连续三天睡眠总量不超过10小时的时候，秘书竟然来不冷不热地质问我那篇有问题的文章是谁写的。什么意思？觉得不好的东西就是我写的？是我和带我的par一晚上不睡在看不太懂中文的情况下改的别人的英文。这也算我们的错吗？要不直接写英文，要不给我们点时间改英文，要不中文说清楚。我们的工作竟然到了连秘书都可以质疑的地步了。我之前想都没想过。北京这地方果然人人都是大爷。

人的体能终究是有限的，忍耐也是。就是不会逢迎、懒得虚伪、没兴趣的话题表现不出兴趣，只知道干活，虽然天塌下来也是这样。但是如果周围的人都不是这样，活着就很郁闷了。